I'm a grandmother/step-mom to an alienated father. 2 different baby mommas, 3 of my grandkids. Our oldest grandson was kept from his father and us from the time he was about 2 (when they divorced) Our son experienced abuse and what would qualify in my opinion as attempted murder (pushed out a glass door and came after with a broken piece of the glass). I only found about that just a few years ago. The only time we got to see our grandson was on the rare occasion she wanted to do something/vacation with her "real family" (her words). She would call and say he was out of control and she couldn't handle him. Always over a holiday weekend, then would come back and get him before the next workday (IMO- so we couldn't go to court to file anything -- possession being 9/10's of the law and all). Fast forward to him being around 15 -- she sends him to juvenile hall. Because CPS is now involved, she tells us he's violent, abusive, tried to kill his step-dad, her, his siblings, etc. He gets sentenced to a year to get his act together and spends only a few months (had goals he had to reach before release and he did without issue). He came to us and has been with us ever since -- he is now 20. It hasn't always been easy. He does have trauma (he was definitely abused, neglected, mistreated, and should have been out of there a long time ago, but we can't change the past) but he is doing well and is nothing like the kid he was made out to be. He and his dad have issues but are working through them
Baby momma 2 - grandson #2 and granddaughter. We are still currently in that battle. Thankfully our son was never married to this one. This one has used the silver bullet on multiple family members -- all proven false. Currently going thru a divorce and living with a different Mighty Mouse. The kids are 12 and 14 and both want to live here with us (they are currently with her in Il -- we are in TN). She even called the cops on us this past summer because the kids refused to go back to her. We currently have a GAL involved (BM fought that tooth and nail -- judge got fed up and ordered it to happen but our son has to pay 100% of that bill). Supposed to have a hearing in April after GAL talks with the kids.
As a grandparent, we have had to sit back and watch all of this happen. Our heart breaks because our hand are tied. All we can do is offer suggestions, provide emotional and financial support, and sit back, shut up, and wait.
This has gotten me to where I am today -- being an activist, doing research, pursuing my doctoral degree with a focus on fathers' rights and the importance of fathers, trying to help provide a voice for the fathers and children being robbed of a relationship with each other.
Wow, Sabrina. I heard bits and pieces of this from you on DTT, but you are really in the thick of it. My thoughts are with you. Let us know what happens in April.
Thanks Father X. You know I will let everyone know once we get someplace (hopefully with the April date).
I listen to all you guys' stories and realize that we actually have it good (if HC/PA can be good in anyway). Even with what I have shared being only the highlights, there are many of you all who are dealing with a lot more crazy than we are. At least I understand our crazy and at least part of the reason both of our crazies are the way they are. Doesn't make it right. Doesn't give it an excuse or a pass to get away with the crap. Just makes things a bit easier to understand.
As a step-mom/grandmother it breaks my heart on so many levels. Watching this man I have grown to love (not because of nature or biology or necessity, but because of the man he has become) hurt because he can't see his kids and know my hands are tied.
So please know, when I call myself momma bear, it's because I do realize all the BS women are capable of and nobody deserves to be treated this way. I get very protective. I'm sure you can see that in many of my comments to newbies and invaders on DTT. I just find it amusing that I have a kindred spirit in Eric -- I'm just as passionate as he has been lately, only for me it comes out as protection and defending -- fighting for the underdog.
Thank you for always engaging with me and accepting me even not knowing how deeply I am involved in the thick of things. I look forward to many more conversations with you and who knows, maybe even some working together for the benefit of this movement.
As an Australian Grandmother not as far along as yourself (3 and 1/2 years) and haven't seen my now 4 yo since August 2019 just on the word of BM that my son "MIGHT" hurt them and conveniently forgetting that she kicked and spat on him after he had gone for support with a therapist and yelled at him " YOU HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS" We are also broken and doing what I can by administration of several FB groups that raise awareness and support, for and of men, bias domestic violence industry and the high rate of male suicide. Our groups try to unite the genders and push for enforced Education on the effects of this angst on children, therapy and mediation at the beginning of anyone who is in conflict before they are put through the court system. As it stands now a woman can just say I don't want to mediate due to being "scared" of him and the man is considered "guilty til proven innocent" and often years later the bond with the child is broken and almost impossible to repair. I am so sorry for what you and your family have suffered and fear with the current system in Australia our story has just began.
Same is here in the States. Women can claim they are afraid and the man is guilty just at her word. I'm with you on promoting the need / requirement for education prior to court involvement. I would love to see (sort of a self-serving idea because I am a family life educator and coach but I think it would work better than anything else that is out there right now) the requirement for any divorce/separation or custody battle to require education and case management of some sort (not associated with the courts or cps or anything like that) for at least 12 months. Kids need both of their parents active in their lives and with positive relationships. The parents need to be adults with each other instead of continuing the toxicity of being together. Anybody can fake it for a short period of time but both parties have to agree to disagree and get along for the kids.
Sabrina, if you need sample fathers to talk to, for your research, I am willing to share my story...if it's within scope for you. I was a primary caregiver, then a noncustodial parent for 3 years, then a custodial parent for 10+ years. I have battled judges, lawyers, child protective services, forensic evaluators, child support magistrates. I have seen a large spectrum of this "family court dysfunction". And I have documented the incompetence. I have personal human stories you may find helpful. Let's talk offline.
I will probably take you up on this offer Father X. I have mentioned to Eric (or it might have been his mom -- via FB messenger) that I would like to have his permission to access the community. I'm just not at the stage to request participants yet. That is supposed to be happening in conjunction with my next set of classes (they take place the last week in March). Because of the type of research I am doing, I will need about 30 participants who will be willing to be interviewed several times. We'll talk more after my classes. I'll have a better idea of my timeline then.
My story is like many others. I was in a bad relationship from its beginning and ignored red flags. I was married for about 6 years. My ex falsely accused me of child abuse and got a restraining order on me. Everything went away in criminal court but damaged me in civil court. I was a doctoral student and stayed at home as a stay at home dad to support my ex getting her MBA. I was hesitant but agreed to stay home and I got really close to my sons. It was hard for my then 2 year old and infant to lose me as their primary caregiver when I got kicked out of the house. I fought as much as I could with my two incompetent attorneys. The GAL determined I should only have my sons 5 out of 14 days and I was crushed. So my ex made a deal with me where I get 6 days out of 14 if she gets the retirement, I take all the debt, she doesn’t pay me alimony, I don’t get child support, and other requirements just for one more day. I took the deal and it financially destroyed me but it gave me more time with my sons. The false allegations also destroyed my career and I had to start over. Since the divorce, I have had 8 more allegations filed but only one was investigated. We are still in the court system now and I can give details on the horrors after the divorce later. I tried to keep this short.
Jason...so sorry to hear this story. Since the court is sooo desperate to minimize time between dad and child, the mom was able to blackmail you, to get you still <50/50 custody, while you get stuck with debt and give up all the assets. This is what happens when courts engage in gender discrimination: the preferred gender can blackmail the other. It almost happened to me. Sorry, man.
Our son has been involved in a Sliver Bullet Divorce with his ex-wife and her mother, Connie Reguli since 2019 This has culminated in Criminal Charges and now an unbelievable conviction on 13 Counts of Rape and sexual abuse of his daughter, even after she denied things, said she had lied about things and there was no other evidence in court. I would welcome the opportunity to share more about what has happened over the last three years. Our sons life is now dependent on an appeal. We have been blocked from seeing our grandchildren because Connie and her Daughter have refused to let us see them for over three years. Please feel free to contact me if you would like more information.
So on top of all of this, you may not see your son due to a conviction, even though his ex-recanted? I was shot with a silver bullet, but your son got it worse. The pain for you must be unbearable. I am so sorry your family is going thu this.
Are you/your son based in TN? I recognize the name all too well. It puts even more weight to your story for me. As a grandparent, I am there with you. I feel your pain in general. I understand the gravity of your situation probably more than you realize (I am beginning my research in TN). Keep us posted on how things progress.
Thank you for asking. Please forgive me and bear with me and my answer.
I am working on my dissertation focusing on the ramifications of PA and custodial contact issues. The working title is "The cost of being a father: the lived experiences of non-custodial fathers dealing with PA and custodial contact issues." I will be attending my classes in 2 weeks that will officially start my actual research project -- asking for people to participate in my study, tell their story, share their experience. My focus will be hearing the stories and highlighting everything men go through -- not just the financial aspect but looking at the loss of relationships, not only the parent/child relationships but extended family members with the child and with the father, the tole it takes on a mans health (both physical and mental), and trying to discover what it takes (Character traits, support systems, etc) to go through this type of abuse.
I guess the best way to explain what I hope to do is put the humanity back into something that seems to be either highly clinical (arguing over diagnosis and legalities) or institutional and financially focused. The movement (ours and the opposing side as well) seems to be focused on the money. Though money is a huge issue, it is not the only thing at play. A financial or institutional focus allows the topic to be sterile and unattractive. I want to put the focus on the humanity, the relationship, the real people behind the numbers.
I've done most of the literature aspect of the research process. That is how I recognize Connie's name. I tried to include anything local and in TN (I'm about 40 minutes north of Chattanooga). We probably need to talk more.
That sounds very interesting. There were over 199 motions in the divorce, 4 cases in two counties and so much more. I would be happy to speak with you. Feel free to email me or call me. I’m new to substack, so not sure how best to handle. Thank you for following up and your interest. It has been devastating on our family, immediate and extended, which appears to be the alienation goal.
I moved in with my ex when she was pregnant. We lived together until our son was 9 months old...at which point I had to flee the home because I almost ended up with broken ribs.
During the 14 months we lived together, she assaulted me about 4 times, with savage assaults of punches and kicks. She pulled knives when she was in her fits of rage, arguing with me, once threatening to stab our unborn child and kill him. She threw a bottle at my head, missing. She would berate me an average of 4 nights a week, for 3 to 6 hours each time, until she tired herself out and went to bed...yelling at me about possible future bad things I would do, like abandoning her. And I had to manage her suicidal threats. And she also put a secret tape recorder in the house, which I later found, to record my conversations at home.
We went to 3 couples therapists, all of whom knew she was the violent one...and who told me she had borderline personality disorder. I stayed in the home that long because I knew family court would be biased against me as a dad.
The day I had to flee, she went to court to file for custody and lied, claiming to be a victim of DV, at my hands, and got a TRO. Then she went to the police the same day and lied about DV. I was arrested the next day, like clockwork. The courts gave her temporary custody, while ignoring my claims of her DV, and ignoring the police reports I provided of her DV.
The false criminal allegations were dropped by the DA after 4 months, because I met with the district attorneys and introduced them to something called Reality, which they were not at all expecting. Despite that, for 2 years the judge ignored everything I said. The judge was clearly hellbent on just rubberstamping the mother for custody....no questions asked, literally.
So when trial came, I testified for 28 hours over a year, in my direct testimony. Every hour was a calculated assault on the judge's gender bias and incompetence. I methodically tore apart every gender biased assumption the judge was making. I also used the Pincer Movement on the judge, proving I was a better parent across all 12 Best Interest Factors that the Appellate Courts forced the judge to consider. My Pincer Movement outmaneuvered the judge, preventing her from having any ability to rubberstamp the mother for custody in the Final Order. So the judge awarded me Primary Custody, when my son was 4...I had left the judge with no choice.
There are now continuing legal education classes about me and how I presented my custody case. It cost me $200k, precious time with my son, emotional duress beyond belief, sleepless nights, and more. But I have been raising my son for 10+ years, I saved him from having to be raised by his mother, and he is the most awesome person I have ever known. I tell him that when I grow up, I want to be just like him.
Now, I am creating a youtube docu-series, showing dads how to win custody, because I know that it feels hopeless. And in that docuseries, the gloves have come off. I am exposing all the weaknesses of family court, and how to overcome their bias and incompetence. Welcome to my world.
We really do need to connect and talk on so many levels. I can see collaborations happening. I think the more we all get to know each other, the more the collaborations will happen. I believe we will find everybody's specialty and be able to plug people in the right places or at least help find passion and light fires.
I got separated in 2008. Our marriage was struggling but my ex to get rid of me claimed domestic abuse and TPO. Then provoked me into losing my temper and got the TPO made permanent... She never accused me of sexual abuse of my children but did accuse me of being an alcoholic. Having been raised in a conservative religion I had never even tried alcohol at the time. I will always remember the family court judge saving my life because my ex wanted to take away weekend visitation with my kids because I had to move back in with my parents after being kicked out. MY ex argued that I didn't have "room" for my kids at my parents. The judge got mad and said he didn't care if I took my kids camping I would have them overnight! I would not be here without that ruling
We were only married 4 years. She was pregnant with our third when we got separated. Due to the RO I was not able to be there for his birth. The RO lasted 10 years....
Sorry to hear that Craig...you couldn't see your son being born? The part most judges never think about is: "in a few years, how do I tell my son I wasn't there for his birth just because some idiot judge issued a baseless restraining order?" Your son would think the judge was a moron...but the judge would have no recognition of the damage they caused.
I was married to my first wife for 8 years. We had a daughter and while I was deployed she emailed me a dear john letter. I talked her out of it, came back home, and we had our second child together. During this time, she became a professional roller derby player...leaving me with the kids during the week and weekends to travel the country. She began seeing someone on the team (a woman), and once again sent me a dear john letter when I was TDY. We divorced. I got 50/50 from 2015 to 2022. She waited until I had orders to Korea to move to Virginia with our kids. Since I have been back from Korea, I have had to fight to see them. We are currently on a temp order and still in litigation. Just in the past 10 months, I have driven from California to Virginia and back twice. I’ve only had a total of 3 weeks with them.
My second wife (whom I’m married to now) and I have a 8 month old Son. We could not get along during any of our marriage. She has been super jealous to the point of delusion, very narcissistic, controlling, and made multiple false allegations. She did all of this while I was under a tremendous amount of job stress in Korea. She came to Korea with me and after she became pregnant, it got worse. She left me in Korea (which I could not leave due to orders), came back to our home state, Alabama, and began an onslaught of false accusations. I flew back to Alabama a few months later, got orders to California. I tried to reconcile with her, with no luck. I had to drive to California because I was on orders to be there. She drained my account during this trip. I flew back for the birth of our son. She had me kicked out of the hospital for no reason. Then during my 7 weeks of paternity leave, she hid out with our son in her parents house, and only allowed me 10 hours to see him. Once again, I drive from California to Alabama and she only let me see him for 3 hours. I filed for divorce and custody after the first trip and am currently awaiting deposition after 8 months of being yanked around by the Alabama family courts.
Loren, are you fighting 2 women, in 3 states, for custody of 3 children...at the same time? Sorry you are going thru this, but you do know that if you succeed, you get into the Dads Hall of Fame, right?
WOW Loren, you are really going thru the suck. We're dealing with 2 women in 3 states too (well, were, our oldest has finally aged out and is now with us). Thankfully, we were not military. My husband is retired USMC and I have a middle son currently in the Navy (dealing with similar things but thankfully no kids involved), so I also understand the travel and crap.
Thank you for what you do and for putting up with all the suck. Military life takes a special kind of person -- both the one who serves and the one who is left at home. Many will try; few will survive.
I'm a grandmother/step-mom to an alienated father. 2 different baby mommas, 3 of my grandkids. Our oldest grandson was kept from his father and us from the time he was about 2 (when they divorced) Our son experienced abuse and what would qualify in my opinion as attempted murder (pushed out a glass door and came after with a broken piece of the glass). I only found about that just a few years ago. The only time we got to see our grandson was on the rare occasion she wanted to do something/vacation with her "real family" (her words). She would call and say he was out of control and she couldn't handle him. Always over a holiday weekend, then would come back and get him before the next workday (IMO- so we couldn't go to court to file anything -- possession being 9/10's of the law and all). Fast forward to him being around 15 -- she sends him to juvenile hall. Because CPS is now involved, she tells us he's violent, abusive, tried to kill his step-dad, her, his siblings, etc. He gets sentenced to a year to get his act together and spends only a few months (had goals he had to reach before release and he did without issue). He came to us and has been with us ever since -- he is now 20. It hasn't always been easy. He does have trauma (he was definitely abused, neglected, mistreated, and should have been out of there a long time ago, but we can't change the past) but he is doing well and is nothing like the kid he was made out to be. He and his dad have issues but are working through them
Baby momma 2 - grandson #2 and granddaughter. We are still currently in that battle. Thankfully our son was never married to this one. This one has used the silver bullet on multiple family members -- all proven false. Currently going thru a divorce and living with a different Mighty Mouse. The kids are 12 and 14 and both want to live here with us (they are currently with her in Il -- we are in TN). She even called the cops on us this past summer because the kids refused to go back to her. We currently have a GAL involved (BM fought that tooth and nail -- judge got fed up and ordered it to happen but our son has to pay 100% of that bill). Supposed to have a hearing in April after GAL talks with the kids.
As a grandparent, we have had to sit back and watch all of this happen. Our heart breaks because our hand are tied. All we can do is offer suggestions, provide emotional and financial support, and sit back, shut up, and wait.
This has gotten me to where I am today -- being an activist, doing research, pursuing my doctoral degree with a focus on fathers' rights and the importance of fathers, trying to help provide a voice for the fathers and children being robbed of a relationship with each other.
Wow, Sabrina. I heard bits and pieces of this from you on DTT, but you are really in the thick of it. My thoughts are with you. Let us know what happens in April.
Thanks Father X. You know I will let everyone know once we get someplace (hopefully with the April date).
I listen to all you guys' stories and realize that we actually have it good (if HC/PA can be good in anyway). Even with what I have shared being only the highlights, there are many of you all who are dealing with a lot more crazy than we are. At least I understand our crazy and at least part of the reason both of our crazies are the way they are. Doesn't make it right. Doesn't give it an excuse or a pass to get away with the crap. Just makes things a bit easier to understand.
As a step-mom/grandmother it breaks my heart on so many levels. Watching this man I have grown to love (not because of nature or biology or necessity, but because of the man he has become) hurt because he can't see his kids and know my hands are tied.
So please know, when I call myself momma bear, it's because I do realize all the BS women are capable of and nobody deserves to be treated this way. I get very protective. I'm sure you can see that in many of my comments to newbies and invaders on DTT. I just find it amusing that I have a kindred spirit in Eric -- I'm just as passionate as he has been lately, only for me it comes out as protection and defending -- fighting for the underdog.
Thank you for always engaging with me and accepting me even not knowing how deeply I am involved in the thick of things. I look forward to many more conversations with you and who knows, maybe even some working together for the benefit of this movement.
As an Australian Grandmother not as far along as yourself (3 and 1/2 years) and haven't seen my now 4 yo since August 2019 just on the word of BM that my son "MIGHT" hurt them and conveniently forgetting that she kicked and spat on him after he had gone for support with a therapist and yelled at him " YOU HAVE MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS" We are also broken and doing what I can by administration of several FB groups that raise awareness and support, for and of men, bias domestic violence industry and the high rate of male suicide. Our groups try to unite the genders and push for enforced Education on the effects of this angst on children, therapy and mediation at the beginning of anyone who is in conflict before they are put through the court system. As it stands now a woman can just say I don't want to mediate due to being "scared" of him and the man is considered "guilty til proven innocent" and often years later the bond with the child is broken and almost impossible to repair. I am so sorry for what you and your family have suffered and fear with the current system in Australia our story has just began.
Same is here in the States. Women can claim they are afraid and the man is guilty just at her word. I'm with you on promoting the need / requirement for education prior to court involvement. I would love to see (sort of a self-serving idea because I am a family life educator and coach but I think it would work better than anything else that is out there right now) the requirement for any divorce/separation or custody battle to require education and case management of some sort (not associated with the courts or cps or anything like that) for at least 12 months. Kids need both of their parents active in their lives and with positive relationships. The parents need to be adults with each other instead of continuing the toxicity of being together. Anybody can fake it for a short period of time but both parties have to agree to disagree and get along for the kids.
Sabrina, if you need sample fathers to talk to, for your research, I am willing to share my story...if it's within scope for you. I was a primary caregiver, then a noncustodial parent for 3 years, then a custodial parent for 10+ years. I have battled judges, lawyers, child protective services, forensic evaluators, child support magistrates. I have seen a large spectrum of this "family court dysfunction". And I have documented the incompetence. I have personal human stories you may find helpful. Let's talk offline.
I will probably take you up on this offer Father X. I have mentioned to Eric (or it might have been his mom -- via FB messenger) that I would like to have his permission to access the community. I'm just not at the stage to request participants yet. That is supposed to be happening in conjunction with my next set of classes (they take place the last week in March). Because of the type of research I am doing, I will need about 30 participants who will be willing to be interviewed several times. We'll talk more after my classes. I'll have a better idea of my timeline then.
My story is like many others. I was in a bad relationship from its beginning and ignored red flags. I was married for about 6 years. My ex falsely accused me of child abuse and got a restraining order on me. Everything went away in criminal court but damaged me in civil court. I was a doctoral student and stayed at home as a stay at home dad to support my ex getting her MBA. I was hesitant but agreed to stay home and I got really close to my sons. It was hard for my then 2 year old and infant to lose me as their primary caregiver when I got kicked out of the house. I fought as much as I could with my two incompetent attorneys. The GAL determined I should only have my sons 5 out of 14 days and I was crushed. So my ex made a deal with me where I get 6 days out of 14 if she gets the retirement, I take all the debt, she doesn’t pay me alimony, I don’t get child support, and other requirements just for one more day. I took the deal and it financially destroyed me but it gave me more time with my sons. The false allegations also destroyed my career and I had to start over. Since the divorce, I have had 8 more allegations filed but only one was investigated. We are still in the court system now and I can give details on the horrors after the divorce later. I tried to keep this short.
Jason...so sorry to hear this story. Since the court is sooo desperate to minimize time between dad and child, the mom was able to blackmail you, to get you still <50/50 custody, while you get stuck with debt and give up all the assets. This is what happens when courts engage in gender discrimination: the preferred gender can blackmail the other. It almost happened to me. Sorry, man.
I wish there was the "support" reaction instead of like. All my support brother
Our son has been involved in a Sliver Bullet Divorce with his ex-wife and her mother, Connie Reguli since 2019 This has culminated in Criminal Charges and now an unbelievable conviction on 13 Counts of Rape and sexual abuse of his daughter, even after she denied things, said she had lied about things and there was no other evidence in court. I would welcome the opportunity to share more about what has happened over the last three years. Our sons life is now dependent on an appeal. We have been blocked from seeing our grandchildren because Connie and her Daughter have refused to let us see them for over three years. Please feel free to contact me if you would like more information.
So on top of all of this, you may not see your son due to a conviction, even though his ex-recanted? I was shot with a silver bullet, but your son got it worse. The pain for you must be unbearable. I am so sorry your family is going thu this.
Yes, it is
Are you/your son based in TN? I recognize the name all too well. It puts even more weight to your story for me. As a grandparent, I am there with you. I feel your pain in general. I understand the gravity of your situation probably more than you realize (I am beginning my research in TN). Keep us posted on how things progress.
Yes, we are in Nashville, TN
Yes, we are in Nashville. Thank you for your comment. What research are you beginning?
Thank you for asking. Please forgive me and bear with me and my answer.
I am working on my dissertation focusing on the ramifications of PA and custodial contact issues. The working title is "The cost of being a father: the lived experiences of non-custodial fathers dealing with PA and custodial contact issues." I will be attending my classes in 2 weeks that will officially start my actual research project -- asking for people to participate in my study, tell their story, share their experience. My focus will be hearing the stories and highlighting everything men go through -- not just the financial aspect but looking at the loss of relationships, not only the parent/child relationships but extended family members with the child and with the father, the tole it takes on a mans health (both physical and mental), and trying to discover what it takes (Character traits, support systems, etc) to go through this type of abuse.
I guess the best way to explain what I hope to do is put the humanity back into something that seems to be either highly clinical (arguing over diagnosis and legalities) or institutional and financially focused. The movement (ours and the opposing side as well) seems to be focused on the money. Though money is a huge issue, it is not the only thing at play. A financial or institutional focus allows the topic to be sterile and unattractive. I want to put the focus on the humanity, the relationship, the real people behind the numbers.
I've done most of the literature aspect of the research process. That is how I recognize Connie's name. I tried to include anything local and in TN (I'm about 40 minutes north of Chattanooga). We probably need to talk more.
That sounds very interesting. There were over 199 motions in the divorce, 4 cases in two counties and so much more. I would be happy to speak with you. Feel free to email me or call me. I’m new to substack, so not sure how best to handle. Thank you for following up and your interest. It has been devastating on our family, immediate and extended, which appears to be the alienation goal.
I moved in with my ex when she was pregnant. We lived together until our son was 9 months old...at which point I had to flee the home because I almost ended up with broken ribs.
During the 14 months we lived together, she assaulted me about 4 times, with savage assaults of punches and kicks. She pulled knives when she was in her fits of rage, arguing with me, once threatening to stab our unborn child and kill him. She threw a bottle at my head, missing. She would berate me an average of 4 nights a week, for 3 to 6 hours each time, until she tired herself out and went to bed...yelling at me about possible future bad things I would do, like abandoning her. And I had to manage her suicidal threats. And she also put a secret tape recorder in the house, which I later found, to record my conversations at home.
We went to 3 couples therapists, all of whom knew she was the violent one...and who told me she had borderline personality disorder. I stayed in the home that long because I knew family court would be biased against me as a dad.
The day I had to flee, she went to court to file for custody and lied, claiming to be a victim of DV, at my hands, and got a TRO. Then she went to the police the same day and lied about DV. I was arrested the next day, like clockwork. The courts gave her temporary custody, while ignoring my claims of her DV, and ignoring the police reports I provided of her DV.
The false criminal allegations were dropped by the DA after 4 months, because I met with the district attorneys and introduced them to something called Reality, which they were not at all expecting. Despite that, for 2 years the judge ignored everything I said. The judge was clearly hellbent on just rubberstamping the mother for custody....no questions asked, literally.
So when trial came, I testified for 28 hours over a year, in my direct testimony. Every hour was a calculated assault on the judge's gender bias and incompetence. I methodically tore apart every gender biased assumption the judge was making. I also used the Pincer Movement on the judge, proving I was a better parent across all 12 Best Interest Factors that the Appellate Courts forced the judge to consider. My Pincer Movement outmaneuvered the judge, preventing her from having any ability to rubberstamp the mother for custody in the Final Order. So the judge awarded me Primary Custody, when my son was 4...I had left the judge with no choice.
There are now continuing legal education classes about me and how I presented my custody case. It cost me $200k, precious time with my son, emotional duress beyond belief, sleepless nights, and more. But I have been raising my son for 10+ years, I saved him from having to be raised by his mother, and he is the most awesome person I have ever known. I tell him that when I grow up, I want to be just like him.
Now, I am creating a youtube docu-series, showing dads how to win custody, because I know that it feels hopeless. And in that docuseries, the gloves have come off. I am exposing all the weaknesses of family court, and how to overcome their bias and incompetence. Welcome to my world.
We really do need to connect and talk on so many levels. I can see collaborations happening. I think the more we all get to know each other, the more the collaborations will happen. I believe we will find everybody's specialty and be able to plug people in the right places or at least help find passion and light fires.
I got separated in 2008. Our marriage was struggling but my ex to get rid of me claimed domestic abuse and TPO. Then provoked me into losing my temper and got the TPO made permanent... She never accused me of sexual abuse of my children but did accuse me of being an alcoholic. Having been raised in a conservative religion I had never even tried alcohol at the time. I will always remember the family court judge saving my life because my ex wanted to take away weekend visitation with my kids because I had to move back in with my parents after being kicked out. MY ex argued that I didn't have "room" for my kids at my parents. The judge got mad and said he didn't care if I took my kids camping I would have them overnight! I would not be here without that ruling
We were only married 4 years. She was pregnant with our third when we got separated. Due to the RO I was not able to be there for his birth. The RO lasted 10 years....
Sorry to hear that Craig...you couldn't see your son being born? The part most judges never think about is: "in a few years, how do I tell my son I wasn't there for his birth just because some idiot judge issued a baseless restraining order?" Your son would think the judge was a moron...but the judge would have no recognition of the damage they caused.
I was married to my first wife for 8 years. We had a daughter and while I was deployed she emailed me a dear john letter. I talked her out of it, came back home, and we had our second child together. During this time, she became a professional roller derby player...leaving me with the kids during the week and weekends to travel the country. She began seeing someone on the team (a woman), and once again sent me a dear john letter when I was TDY. We divorced. I got 50/50 from 2015 to 2022. She waited until I had orders to Korea to move to Virginia with our kids. Since I have been back from Korea, I have had to fight to see them. We are currently on a temp order and still in litigation. Just in the past 10 months, I have driven from California to Virginia and back twice. I’ve only had a total of 3 weeks with them.
My second wife (whom I’m married to now) and I have a 8 month old Son. We could not get along during any of our marriage. She has been super jealous to the point of delusion, very narcissistic, controlling, and made multiple false allegations. She did all of this while I was under a tremendous amount of job stress in Korea. She came to Korea with me and after she became pregnant, it got worse. She left me in Korea (which I could not leave due to orders), came back to our home state, Alabama, and began an onslaught of false accusations. I flew back to Alabama a few months later, got orders to California. I tried to reconcile with her, with no luck. I had to drive to California because I was on orders to be there. She drained my account during this trip. I flew back for the birth of our son. She had me kicked out of the hospital for no reason. Then during my 7 weeks of paternity leave, she hid out with our son in her parents house, and only allowed me 10 hours to see him. Once again, I drive from California to Alabama and she only let me see him for 3 hours. I filed for divorce and custody after the first trip and am currently awaiting deposition after 8 months of being yanked around by the Alabama family courts.
Loren, are you fighting 2 women, in 3 states, for custody of 3 children...at the same time? Sorry you are going thru this, but you do know that if you succeed, you get into the Dads Hall of Fame, right?
That’s right Father X 😆
WOW Loren, you are really going thru the suck. We're dealing with 2 women in 3 states too (well, were, our oldest has finally aged out and is now with us). Thankfully, we were not military. My husband is retired USMC and I have a middle son currently in the Navy (dealing with similar things but thankfully no kids involved), so I also understand the travel and crap.
Thank you for what you do and for putting up with all the suck. Military life takes a special kind of person -- both the one who serves and the one who is left at home. Many will try; few will survive.
Yeah I can't explain it to any of my kids... I just move on